Hello, Ma’am. My name is Chuck, and I can fix that for you. Yes, we do offer help for people who buy yarn at our shop. Yes, I know you’ve bought yarn here before, but this is obviously not ours.

Yes, that is indeed one of our bags, but we’ve never carried that particular yarn.

Since you asked nicely, Ma’am, and since there’s no one in the shop, I can help you, today. Yes, honestly, this is my favourite part of the job. I like helping people who are willing to learn. Please, have a seat and let me look at your project.

Yes, Ma’am, you did indeed make a mistake here. And here. And here. And this stitch is dropped. And this one. And this. I can…

No, Ma’am, please do not say you’re just going to start over. I can show you how to fix that. It’s very easy to fix.

Ma’am, please… you’re doing it backwards.

No, I’m doing it the way you need to do it. Copy my movements exactly. That’s what I meant when I said “copy my movements exactly.”

No, Ma’am, now you’re knitting more. You need to be pulling out those stitches.

No, Ma’am you don’t have to…

Yes, Ma’am, that is indeed the proper way to take all two hundred stitches off the needles at once. Yes, those words were the proper curse words one yells when doing this. No, your project isn’t ruined, Yes I can show you how to…

Ma’am, let me just fix that for you. Please hand it to me.

Please, don’t throw your knitting.

Please, don’t throw my knitting.

Yes, Ma’am, this will take about five to ten minutes, but afterwards, you’ll be ready to start knitting again.

Yes, this is a little tricky. Whenever I do this for my own projects I have to block out all distractions.

Yes, I do this for my own projects all the time. And I do this in the shop for customers, when they’re actually customers. Let’s just say I’ve had a lot of practice fixing mistakes. Now, give me another few minutes.

Yes, I have been knitting a long time. No, I don’t think it’s that hard.

No, I don’t think it’s that strange for a man to knit. I enjoy it, and that’s the important thing, right?

No, I did not know that you don’t know any other male knitters.

No, I did not know that you’ve never heard of a male knitter.

Yes, Ma’am, I agree that it’s strange that when you first came in the shop you didn’t know I knitted. Even though I had two needles in my hand, with part of a sweater attached and a knitting bag next to me.

Oh, don’t worry about it. When you said “Well, I was hoping to get some knitting help but I guess I’ll have to wait until the lady who owns the shop comes back” I did not mind at all. Just the other day I was pulled over by a female officer and I greeted her with “Are you sure you’re a cop? I mean, it’s awful strange for a woman to carry a gun.”

Yes, this is indeed the tricky part. Like I said, when I do this myself, I turn off the TV and block out all distractions.

Yes, I try to tell everyone else to be quiet, too. This is indeed a…

Well, duct tape if I had any. Unfortunately, I usually just ask politely.

Yes, now I’m backing up becase I made a slight mistake, fixing your mistake. I have to concentrate.

No, I usually don’t talk when I’m concentrating.

No, I usually don’t listen when I’m concentrating, either.

Yes, I can fix this.

Don’t worry, the rest of your project looks fine.

Yes, I’m through the tricky part. Now it will just take a minute and you’ll be ready to go.

Why, yes, I also go to school. I want to be a teacher.

Well, thank you for agreeing that I would be a good one.

Why, yes, I think I do have a lot of patience. I haven’t yet told you to stuff your knitting up your ass and hitchhike to the back door of Hell.  Though I may have to ensure all the sharp pointed objects are on the other side of the shop the next time you come in.

You too, Ma’am. Have a great day. Thank you for shopping… err, thank you for coming by for free help and then buying your yarn online. I’ll not be seeing you again soon, I hope?